The Betrayal of Auto Immune Illness

Vulnerabilty & Bitterness

While I have so many topics I wish to dive into I decided this was the best place to start. This is where my emotional battle began, upon the reality of my diagnosis, and it has been one of the biggest challenges to move on from this place. I felt betrayed.

I finally admitted that the pain had exacerbated to the degree of becoming disabling. I succumbed to the need to seek medical answers and solutions. After much research I figured a rheumatologist was a good place to start. After an in depth consultation in which I described my aches, pains, stiffness, fatigue and brain fog followed by the dreaded 20 vials of blood work, I arrived at my diagnosis. Rheumatoid Arthritis, followed later down the road by osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia. Ok, RA, an autoimmune disease. I began to educate myself on my diagnosis, causes, treatments. I read every article I could find. Auto Immune Disease. Defined as a “disease in which the body’s immune system attacks itself”. Let’s break that down. The body’s immune system’s purpose it is to defend and fight external invaders to keep the body healthy. It keeps us healthy, safe and free of illness. Now the latter part of that definition, attacks itself. So, the system designed and who’s purpose is to protect me has literally turned on me and is the reason I am ill and in pain. It created such a feeling of vulnerability and honestly, betrayal. The most personal thing we have is our own bodies. And that most personal thing is attacking itself. Wow. I remember feeling so angry. When the body is fighting disease from some external virus, bacteria or environmental trigger, you have your army to take care of you. Your body is making antibodies, you are working to strengthen your immune system, fortifying your army. There is some comfort in that. I remember when my grandmother had cancer and I was told to imagine the immune system like pac man fighting the invader, unhealthy cells. While I know cancer is much more complicated than that, as a child, it comforted me that grandma had a pac man army to defend her. My pac men attack me.

For rheumatoid arthritis the pharmaceutical treatment is medication which suppresses the immune system to lessen the effects of the attack on your body, which includes excessive inflammation. Thereby weakening the immune system from fighting off external invaders as well. You are now more vulnerable to all illness. Even simple cuts heal slower. The alternative is disabling pain. Mind you there are holistic and dietetic options as well, which may or may not be as effective.

I remember during the process of educating myself and seeking to understand my illness, I felt so angry, bitter and betrayed by my own body. So vulnerable. My own body turned on me. It is very hard to describe exactly how that feels. But if you have an autoimmune disease, you know.

That was two years ago. And I was stuck in that emotional spot for a very long time until quite recently. My emotions have evolved to a place in which I have embraced my illness and pain; my anger has softened into compassion. I save that for another article …. coming soon.

If you relate personally or it helps you understand a loved one, please like my article and feel free to leave a comment. I enjoy your feedback.